Operation Reclaim Omega
by NoThaTerrible
Summary: Omega has been lost to the Australian Military, and it's up to Shepard and crew to end their terrorist regime to take over the galaxy, mate.
1. Instituting the Institution

**This story has lots of fucking swears, so fucking leave if you don't fucking like fucking swear words. FUCK!**

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*Somewhere in Omega*

"And I want 'this' team stationed over by the shuttles, in case any alien bastards try to escape," said the Australian Military Commander: Captain Oliver.

"Captain Oliver, sir, what about their leader, Aria? What do we do about her?"

"Crikey, I hadn't thought about that. Uhhh…oi, Team Alpha, go apprehend Aria and throw her on the Barbie. Give her a nice roastin, eh?"

"Sir, affirmative," said the leader of Team Alpha.

"Just you wait, men, in a few days this place will become the new Australian Capital. And soon, we'll take over the entire galaxy," said the Australian leader, crossing his arms behind his back.

* * *

*On the Normandy*

"Shepard, there have been reports of the Australian military interfering with Omega's government. Perhaps we should observe what is currently taking place," said EDI.

"Okay fine," said Shepard (the male one), "Joker, plot a course for Omega."

"Commander, are you sure? I thought our business there was done. I've had enough of the Collector's to last a life time," said Joker.

"What?" said Shepard, approaching Joker, "Not the Omega 4 Relay, you dipshit, the actual asteroid-planet with the kickass nightclub."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Sorry 'bout that commander," said Joker, laughing.

"I'll give you something to laugh about, dipshit," said Shepard, blasting a hole in Joker's head, killing him, "I'll fly my own damn ship from now on, thank you very much."

*At Omega's Docking Bay*

Shepard flew to Omega and docked his ship in a nearby bay. He stepped outside with Mordin and Garrus, but the three were immediately confronted by an Australian soldier.

"Oi, hold it right there you three," said the soldier, flicking the safety off his assault rifle, "What business do you have in Omega?"

"What business do YOU have in Omega, you little shit?" said Shepard, aiming his shotgun at the soldier's head.

"Ahem, we are here to discuss pressing matters with this city's leader, Aria T'Loak."

"Bullshit!" said Garrus, focusing his Sniper Rifle at a faraway soldier, "Why are there so many soldiers stationed here? Tell us the truth!"

"Garrus," said Shepard, lowering Garrus' rifle, "I'll take care of this."

"Now could you all kindly leave Omega and return at a later time?" said the soldier, easing up his tenseness.

Shepard smiled and nodded, but then shot at the soldier's head, causing gibs and blood to splatter all over the ground and walls.

"So much for a stealthy entry," said Garrus.

"Shepard," said Mordin, "perhaps we should visit the nightclub to check on Aria - no, wait, too many soldiers here. Aria must have noticed. Most likely retreated with guards. Need to find out where they are. Should talk with -"

"Mordin, shuddafuck up," said Shepard, slapping his palm on Mordin's mouth, "Just follow my lead."

The three then activated their tactical cloaks and walked towards the nightclub.

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**Chapter 2 coming real fucking soon to a theater near you.**


	2. The Art of Infiltration

**"It don't matter if you're BLACK or white! Da nana, da nana. OOOOOOOH! Da nana, da nana! HEEHEE! JAMONIT!" - MJ**

* * *

*Inside Club Afterlife*

"God, my dick is so fucking hard right now. I want to fuck something so bad. HEY, SHEPARD! OVER HERE!"

"Goddammit! I thought my tactical cloak was enabled!" said Shepard, walking towards Jacob, "Hey, Jacob, what are you doing here?"

"I was just kicking it old school, but then these two fine-ass bitches walked by and OOOOOH WEEEEEE! Hot damn, they had the finest asses I've ever seen. My dick hasn't been this rock hard in ages!"

"Jacob, do you know anything I can…calibrate?" said Garrus, looking seductively into Jacob's eyes. His gaze was hypnotic.

"LOOK THE FUCK OUT, NIGGA!" said Jacob, pushing Garrus down. A bullet whizzed over his head and hit the wall behind him.

"Shit, looks like the Australians found us," said Shepard, readying his assault rifle, "Jacob, do you know where Aria is?"

"Aria?" said Jacob, flinging warps at the Australians, "Follow me, my nigga."

The four men went into the basement of the nightclub and saw Aria chained to the wall.

"Shepard?" said Aria in a muffled voice. A rubber ball was stuck in her mouth.

"Aria, what's going on?" said Shepard, stowing his weapon.

"I'm having fucking sex with these nice Australians."

"Aria, why are these guys here?"

"I don't know, but they have some fine ass bodies, and their accent is mesmerizing. Why isn't the rest of your race like this, Shepard?"

Suddenly, two naked, Australian strippers walked into the room. They saw Shepard and took out pistols that they stored between their ass cheeks.

"Calm down," said Shepard, crossing his arms, "Why don't you guys go throw some shrimp on the Barbie or something. I've got some business to discuss here."

"Oi, mate, d'ya think were a couple of fuck heads?" said one of the strippers, "We're professional Australian soldiers. We could kill ya in a heartbeat if weh wanted ta, mate."

"Hold it!" shouted Mordin, aiming his pistol at one of the stripper's heads, "Overly-stressed accent. Dilated pupils. Excessive sweating. Not common in professional soldiers. Perhaps not actual soldiers. Could be imposters. But who? Wait. American Flag tattooed on right arms. Could be spys."

"And just who da fuck are ya?" said the other stripper, aiming his gun at Mordin.

"Easy there, big guy," said Aria, who freed herself from the chains and pressed a shotgun at one of the stripper's back, "Lower your gun, and you'll get out of here alive."

"Aria, I thought you were having sex with these guys a second ago?" said Shepard.

"I was, but it was to get them to spill information on why these goddamn Australians are here."

"You mean you don't know why they're here?"

"No idea. They arrived just a few days ago and started messing shit up. They stationed guards everywhere, started abducting citizens, and even killed a few hundred Vorchas down in the apartment district."

"Hey!" said Shepard to the strippers, "What the hell do you guys want with Omega?"

"We don't have to answer to ya," said the stripper on the right, "Australia will soon -"

Garrus fired a concussive shot at the stripper, knocking him off his feet. As that happened, Aria threw the other stripper on the ground, disarming him of his weapon. She picked up the pistol and threw it behind her.

"Start talking, asshole," said Aria, pressing her shotgun against the tip of the stripper's nose.

"Okay, okay," said the stripper lying on the ground, "We're not Australians. We're American spies."

The stripper lost his Australian accent and adopted an American one.

"We were assigned to infiltrate the Australian army when the CIA caught wind of top secret Australian plans to contruct a biotic superweapon."

As the spy revealed this piece of information, a loud explosion occurred above ground. The shaking rattled the basement everyone was standing in.

"What the fuck just happened?" said Aria, running upstairs, "By the mother fucking goddess…"

A giant metal dildo fell out of the sky and landed smack dab in the middle of the nightclub.

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**Yo, dis stry gun b cntd ril sun, k thks bi. Also, TITTIES GONNA BE JIGGLING IN SHEPARD'S MOTHERFUCKING DICK.**


	3. Finding a Lead

**Things get srs in this chapter**

* * *

*Inside an Australian Space Vessel*

"Sir, we deployed the package. It landed directly inside the local nightclub," said a soldier from Team Bravo.

"Excellent," said Captain Oliver, looking at Omega, "And what about Team Alpha's progress?"

"Sir, we haven't had any contact from them in last 24 hours."

"Crikey, we need to subdue that bloody bitch Aria before she gathers a force large enough to drive us out."

"That will not happen, Captain," said a tall, husky figure sitting nearby, "I will personally take care of Aria."

"Lieutenant Noah," said the Captain, "I trust you will accomplish this with as few casualties as possible?"

"Of course," said the Noah, with a grin. He lit a cigar and puffed a cloud of smoke towards the Captain.

"Oi!" said the Captain, yanking the cigar out of the lieutenant's mouth, "I'm fucking serious. I don't want a repeat of what happened in New Zealand three years ago, yah?"

The lieutenant chuckled and nodded his head. "Whatever you say, Captain."

*Inside Club Afterlife*

"Intriguing. Large metal capsule landed in center of club. Not emitting radiation. Not nuclear. Shape resembles certain male anatomy. For what purpose?" said Mordin, pacing back and forth beside the dildo.

"Now, how the fuck," said Aria, banging her fist on the giant hunk of metal, "did this get here?"

"Commander," said Liara, contacting Shepard through an ear piece, "Some strange metal object just landed on Omega."

"I'm standing right in front of it, Liara. Can you tell me what it is?"

"It looks like a giant, metal…. Penis."

"I can see that. I meant do you know if it's a bomb or anything?"

"I'm not sure, Shepard. I'll have EDI analyze it."

"Alright. Tell the rest of the crew that I might be here awhile. I've got some stuff I want to find out."

"Aye aye, commander," said Liara, ending the conversation.

"Shepard," said Garrus, leaning his back against the metal cock, "What are we going to do with those two spies?"

"Let me take care of them nigga," said Jacob, lighting a joint, "I'll make sure these two bitches won't be spying on nobody anymore, ya dig?"

"Thanks Jacob," said Shepard, "But I want to ask them a few questions first."

Shepard approached the two spies and put his hand on his pistol. The spies looked at each other and sighed.

"All right, tell me everything you know about what the Australians are doing here," said Shepard.

"Just kill us already," said one of the spies, "We aren't telling you shit. We told you enough already."

"I wasn't going to kill you two," said Shepard, pulling out his pistol, "But if you don't cooperate, you'd leave me no choice."

"Listen," said one of the spies, "We are trained American spies. You won't be able to break us that easily, all right? So just give up and kill us already."

Shepard frowned and holstered his gun. He had a better idea on how to handle the two spies.

"Hey, Mordin, come here for a sec," yelled Shepard.

"Yes, Shepard. How can I help?" said Mordin.

"I need you to get these two spies to spill their guts. I want them to tell us everything they know about what's going on here."

"Hmm, say no more. I carry truth serum with me at all times in case of emergency. Can test out serum right now."

"Wait, hold on!" cried out one of the spies, "You're going to 'test' that serum on us? You don't know if t works?"

"Not 100% sure. Could perform further testing, but willing to take chances."

"'Further testing?' Are you serious?" said the other spy.

Mordin prepared a needle with 50 cc's of the truth serum, and administered it to the spy on the left.

"Argh! That shit stings! What the hell is in that?" yelled the spy as he was given the shot.

"Now, tell me what the Australians are doing here?" said Shepard.

"Grrh," said the spy, attempting to resist, "They're…going to turn Omega…into a giant biotic cannon…which they plan on using…to blow up the Citadel."

"Why?" said Shepard, holstering his gun.

"They want…to instill fear…in all the races… so that they can rule… the entire galaxy."

"Holy shit," said Aria, "They're going to turn Omega into giant fucking cannon. I don't believe it."

Mordin then shot the spy on the left, killing him.

"Mordin!" cried Shepard, "What did you do that for?"

"Serum has adverse side effect. Melts vital processes in the brain, causing patient to go insane. Side effect similar to rabies."

"You killed my partner!" cried the other spy.

"Shut up and cooperate with us," said Shepard, "Or we'll kill you next."

"Fine, fine, I'll cooperate," said the spy, "What else do you want to know?"

"What is this giant metal dildo thing?"

"We presume it's a satellite of sorts."

"A satellite for what?"

"The Australians are planning on using Omega's molten core as a cannonball of sorts. These satellites are supposed to transmit signals to a server. The server deciphers when the core had reached an optimal temperature. At that point, a drill is used to reach the core. When the core has been reached, a biotic field is used to launch the core at a pre-designated target, which, in this case, we presume to be the Citadel. The cannonball is then guided into the Mass Relays, using a biotic guidance system, until it eventually reaches the Citadel."

"Sounds highly improbable," said Mordin, "Omega is asteroid, not planet, thus it does not have molten core. Also, biotic fields not powerful enough to push giant molten mass into Mass Relays."

"Actually, the core of this asteroid is a giant, molten piece of iron," said the spy, "This iron is surrounded by a naturally-generated biotic field. The Australians plan on using this field to 'sling-shot' the core into the nearby Mass Relay. The relay will transmit the massive core directly to an adjacent Mass Relay, and so forth, until the core smashes directly into the Citadel."

"Still sounds unlikely," said Mordin, crossing his arms, "But if satellites are destroyed, then plan cannot be carried out."

"Sure, but good luck finding and deactivating all the satellites," said the spy, "That metal dildo is just one of the satellites. We estimate that the Australians constructed around 15 different satellites for this operation."

"Fuck it all," said Aria, kicking the metal dildo satellite, "I am not going to let these assholes take over Omega."

"Aria, we can stop them," said Shepard, "We just need to find a way to deactivate all these satellites."

"Shepard, come in," said Liara through Shepard's earpiece.

"Liara, status report."

"It appears that the metal…penis, is transmitting some sort of information to a relay center located on a ship somewhere in this system."

"Do you know how to jam the signal?"

"EDI is already working on it, Shepard, but she thinks that there's more than one device sending the signal."

"There is, but we don't know where they are."

"Hmm, perhaps, if you found them, you could relay the coordinates to EDI. She can deactivate them if you can tell her the source of the signal."

"Roger, Shepard out."

"So," said Garrus, "Looks like we're going on a little scavenger hunt."

"Guess so," said Aria, "I'm coming with you guys. Nobody fuck with my home and gets away with it."

"Alright," said Shepard, "Jacob, you stay here with the spy. We'll contact you if we need any more information out of him."

"All right, nigga, jus' go already," said Jacob, "I'll take care of this lil' bitch."

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**Next chapter will have more funnys, k?**


End file.
